I was shocked and horrfied by the tragic events that occurred in London yesterday. It was painful. The panic as I tried to contact family and friends who work and live in London is beyond comprehension. I find it difficult to understand how a human being can have such a lack of respect for life and kill innocent people like that. What kind of person would do that? Why? will we ever know? I know hate is a strong word, but I hate them, whoever does this. I hate them with a passion. I pray the Lord will intervene and help stop this, as it seems it is only through divine intervention all this madness can come to an end. I think now it has brought some people to reality. The reality of terrorism. Sometimes people don't absorb the impact of it all until it happens in their own backyard. We need to see the world as one community. We need to be one. We need to unite against the carnage these people want to perpetuate. It needs to stop.

james, for some reason, has been phoning me and emailing me, pretending that things are fine between us. He talks about going to see my mother, asking me if I am free for dinner on such and such a day. i don't know if this is some warped coping mechanism of his, ie denial in the worst way, or he is trying to wind me up. I thought of playing mind games with him and pretending to play along then crush his little dream, but I am not that kind of person am I? Does this mean I am weak? Does this make me less secure? I don't know. I just want to move on to be honest. I don't know if he is still seeing that woman. I don't care really. I don't want to be bitchy and say nasty things. It's neve necessary. But I just want him to leave me alone. Nuff said!

_ Ame_

I survived..the exam..and the break-up. I don't often talk about my personal life, which makes some people see me as a dark horse or something. It's just the way i was brought up I guess. It's not thatI am secretive or that I have anything to hide. I am just the kind pf person who can take in a lot and can just as easily discard them and move on. I don't like having a lot of baggage on my shoulders and I try to keep going. But, breaking up with James has probably been one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life. There have been times I have thought things could not get any worse, and for a while I felt that way. I loved that man, and I truly believe he loved me too. We got on so well. Maybe too well. We laughed until we could laugh no more, and then it all just slipped away from us..slowly..so we didn't see it coming. But, I can't pretend to be happy when I am not. He broke my heart and I can't go back. We can't go back to the way things were. I want to be nice and say perhaps I was partly to blame. But, he should have talked to me about things before seeing that girl. I can't describe the way I felt when I called his home number and heard that girl's voice. I lost it. Completely. It's all a blur now, but I felt like all life and soul had been drained from me. I just put the phone down and made my decision then. I didn't say a word. I didn't need to. It was over. We are through. He is emailing me like a crazed virus. Why should I reply? What's there to talk about? I don't think 'closure' is always necessary...lol..Is it?

One good thing has happened to me though. I passed my exams. I was shocked. I was so sure I had failed and was bracing myself for failure. I even prepared a speech for my work colleagues if they were to ask what happened. perhaps I underestimated myself? But, maybe it was just luck and the Lord was looking out for me.

I have neglected PTC. I have neglected my friends. I have so many messages on my answering machine and voicemail asking me where I am and why I have been so quiet. One guy has been counting how many times he has been phoning me and not getting hold of me..lol...Well, I really shouldn't be laughing, should I? Well, I am slowly getting back onto my feet, and I am sure things will work out. Work is ok. I am used to the place and the people, which makes a huge difference. Only a few weeks to go then I am outta there! But I am bloody exhausted!

I got into trouble at work yesterday because I had decided to follow the company protocol. I think that's real shyte because when I joined the department, I was told to ALWAYS follow the protocols, regardless of what I might think, because I am "just a junior" and have "just joined" and they have seen in the past that "their protocols work for them". I feel like I was picked on because I am new, and a junior. I even asked one of the senior colleagues who was on duty with me, about the 'situation' Inwas in, and was told to "follow the protocol". Now I have been thrown into a deep hole full of shyte and noone is gonna help me out. I even had to write a bloody incident report! I'm f****d!

I've got the day off today. The weather is gorgeous. Would be a great day to go out. I might actually. Later. But I need to do some serious reading. Last night I did a few past papers. I was only scoring an average of 65%! I need at least 80% to guarantee a good pass!

A friend of mine emigrated to South Africa a few years ago. Three I think. She has invited me to visit her one day! I am so excited about this and will start saving for it right away!

We have put publication of The Pencil Case book reviews on hold for the moment. I told them to carry on without me, but they said they will wait until I finish my exams. It seems my life is centred around those darned exams. And, after all this fuss, stress, sleepless nights and the demise of a social life, I might actually fail them! But it's not good to have such a negative attitude before an exam. Maybe it's just nerves. I don't know. I have lost my adrenaline drive. I am too tired. I think I may have lost a bit of weight too..all this stress!

I received the books I ordered from Amazon. I dare not read them! I will put them aside for a while. I know how I get with new novels! I can't put them down once I start reading them! No other news. No other major events. Keith has been keeping an ultra low profile. I expect he is busy marketing his business. I hope he succeeds. He's a great guy. He works so hard too.

~Amethyst~

I have just been on the phone talking to my mother and two of my brothers. I miss them so much. I am hoping to visit them for about a week, but it will have to be some time in July or August. I haven't seen them in ages! My dad is apparently doing great with his nicotine gum and patches. He hasn't smoked in 4 months!

Isla's boyfriend left for the USA. He hasn't contacted her yet.

Frank mentioned he is considering going back to work abroad. I personally don't think it's a good idea. But, well, I won't interfere!

It's been two weeks since I started at my new job. It's been hectic and at times chaotic. On Thursday I got home after midnight because it had been so busy and I couldn't leave things undone. I always think it's unfair to leave work for other people, although that always happens to me. Well, I hope it doesn't happen too often! I can see that I am going to have to be a bit pushy and a lot more proactive if I am going to get as much practical experience as I would like. There seems to be some 'line' somewhere which one has to cross in order for them to be allowed to do much. For the most part I feel like a spare wheel, which is not what I am used to. I am a hands-on kind of person and I like to feel like I am doing something worthwhile. Well, right now I won't be too pushy. I will concentrate on my exams and then ony after the exams will I make my voice be heard!

~Amethyst~